When Dogs Attack

Sometimes there are nightmares and waking up in fear that they are real. But wait, they are real, I replay in my dreams what happened to my daughter and stuff I experienced when I was an EMT in one of the most crime ridden cities in the US, Tampa FL.

A few nights ago I stayed in a hotel in a very small town in eastern CO, it's the very town I go to nursing school in. I chose this school 105 miles away from my home because the school did not have a long waiting list like many others and this nursing program is one of the best in the state. Me and 3 other girls stayed overnight Sat in this small town because we had clinicals 2 days in a row.

 The night we slept in the hotel I kept having nightmares and waking up every hour or so. I am a lucid dreamer and can usually control my dreams but when I have these nightmares I can not.

I see my daughter's ripped up face over and over again. The blood allover her and our sidewalk. I see her telling me she's thirsty over and over because she was going into hypovolemic shock due to the blood loss. The dog had severed a few arteries in her face. With every heartbeat blood would spurt out of her face onto the dishtowel I had covering her face. I can see me yelling at the 911 dispatcher to hurry up with the medics and yelling at her that I know how to stop bleeding I used to be an EMT but you can't stop my daughter's bleeding because there is no more tissue left to apply pressure.

I wake up sweaty, nauseous and confused when I have these types of dreams. PTSD will play tricks with your mind. Sometimes when I catch myself daydreaming I relive my daughter lying in her hospital bed in the ER waiting for her 4 hour surgery with her face wrapped up like a mummy and blood seeping through her bandages.

Meagan in the ER waiting for surgery.

Sometimes the PTSD makes me relive what she looked like the next day after her surgeries. She had several surgeries at once in the OR. Her poor face was swollen and bruised and she had upwards of 1200 stitches in her face (inside and out). The dog had crushed her orbital bone (eye socket) and tore off parts of her nose and her upper lip. 

Meagan morning after her attack

It is amazing what we are faced with every day and how much other people suffer because of someone's carelessness. I have no ill will against pit bulls but I am very cautious of them after this has happened to my angel. A few days before her attack my daughter (then 6) asked if she could have a piggy bank to save money in to donate to charity for kids that don't have anything. This is the kind of kid she is, thoughtful and caring. 

This is why I am in nursing school, to help others and reach out and maybe in my spare time even stop other dog attacks from happening like this to others.

Only an 80%

Second week of my first semester of nursing school. First exam already and I only got an 80%. I studied every night, read the 9 chapters in my book that I was supposed to, took the power point slides and made my own notes and studied, did I mention I studied? And I only got an 80%.

Class average was 73%, half the class failed the exam. Failed. It wasn't me though but I only got an 80%.

I have PTSD but I don't make excuses about it but I will openly talk to people about living with it. Nightmares, night sweats, weird dreams when you don't have nightmares, recurring images of what started my PTSD, anger, rage, loneliness, sadness, weariness, depression, anxiety, panic attacks and a list of other abnormalities fight with me to take over my life. I guess having PTSD is like a functioning alcoholic, you learn to deal and be "normal". Most people that meet me and get to know me don't believe that I have PTSD, "Wow, you seem so pulled together...." or "geez but you're so normal and you were never in Iraq...".

No I was not in Iraq, but I was raped, had my life on the line as an EMT and my daughter nearly died having her face ripped off my a brutal dog. Not to mention an abusive ex who is now deceased but can no longer hurt anyone. He was physically and mentally abusive to me and my kids. That's another story...

My PTSD developed suddenly after July 12th of 2010. My 6 year old daughter was playing a few houses down the street with her friend. Out of nowhere the neighbor's pit bull came to her friend's yard and attacked my daughter's face on her driveway. My daughter nearly lost her right eye, had her orbital bone exposed, her mandible and teeth exposed, her upper lip and right nostril ripped off. She looked like she had been shot with a shotgun.

With a trail of blood being created with every step she took back home, her father and I were in complete awe and disbelief. What has happened to our daughter? Why her face? Why not her arm or leg but her precious little face? She has the face of an angel still....looking beyond her scars.

I will write more about what happened to my daughter as time goes on. I can only replay small bits of what happened on that dreadful day in my head. It's been over a year and I still can not come to terms with what happened to her and our family. 

I can tell you this though. The reason I am back in nursing school is because of the thoughtful, intelligent, caring, giving, humorous and amazing nurses my daughter had during her hospital stays from her accident. It is their light and giving that lit a spark in me to finish a job I had started 10 years ago...nursing school. Well here I am and I've never been more ready to get the job done this time. No more nasty exes to make me quit or move away form my schools. My husband now is so caring and supportive and wants to see me do well. I am very lucky in so many ways and can't even count them all.

So yes, I got an 80%, I'm still in shock. I have a 4.0 in college right now and I don't want to mess that up and I want to be an excellent nurse one day soon. I know which questions I missed on the exam and I'm not too mad at myself for it either. I went back and changed 3 or 4 of my answers which cost me an A. I will get it with my exam next week. I have 8 days to study, read, study some more and take practice NCLEX style tests.