Out of Place

Today I went to grief group therapy. I was the youngest person there and I was quite intimidated. Most of the people were in their 70's and had lost spouses.

When it's my turn to explain who I've lost I start from when I was around 5, losing my grandfather. Then I talk about losing 2 friends in middle school. Next is my mother who I decided to stop life support on her and she passed away within a day. That was 3 years ago. Then I bring up how Lance died.

Everyone was shocked I was sitting in a circle with people old enough to be my grandparents yet alone have had so much loss in my life. I suppose all of us have had a significant loss or two.

Thinking of that special and unique someone makes you stop and realize how precious life is. I know you do, we all do.

The hard part with grief is trying to move forward with your life without feeling guilty for enjoying life without your loved one. It's like we aren't allowed to go places we used to go with them, or eat the same foods or talk to someone else about the things you used to talk with your dearly departed.

Being an EMT hardened me to death. I look at it like everyone dies and scientifically a group- or several groups- of cells stop working together and you wither away but your shell remains.

I can get over losing a loved one but I can not get over not feeling sorry for those around me like my kids for example. They are growing up knowing their grandmother died before she could teach them how to cook some of her dishes. They also know that their father died while they were in 2nd grade (the twins) and my daughter's father will never be able to walk her down the aisle when she gets married. This she realizes yet she is so strong and stoic in all of her hardships. I can learn how to be gracious and noble during the rough times from my daughter.

So next week it's me and the geriatrics again for round 2 of our group. I'm kind of excited to see what is in store for me over the next month and I can't wait to see if I can finally face my grief.